The Mental Tug-of-War
When I quit my job after 11 years, most people assumed I’d be staying home with my son full-time. The reality? He still goes to daycare while I work from home building my HR consulting business. That decision isn’t groundbreaking, but the mental tug-of-war that followed (guilt, privilege, relief) has been exhausting.
To say nothing of the privilege I have to make that choice would be bad on me. I fully recognize and understand the privilege I have to be able to have a great daycare my son can go to that we can afford, while both of us work. I am so unbelievably grateful and blessed to have that opportunity. I know it’s not everyone’s reality. So in comes the mental tug-of-war games. I’m still very much learning how to accept and be okay with my reality when I know others who don’t have the same option. I’m learning how to not feel guilty for that. I’m learning how to navigate working from home and balancing business and family responsibilities. Most of the time it’s been such a relief that I am able to keep things around the house relatively kept up while also getting business work done at the same time. That has led to a lot of mental clarity and peace. I won’t lie though that my perfectionism has been rearing its ugly head since I started working from home – but that’s a post for another time.
Motherhood Assumptions.
Long before I became a mom, I knew being a full-time “stay-at-home” mom was not for me. I’m not sure why, I just felt in my bones that it wasn’t going to be the best option for me personally. If I needed to do it, of course, I would. Again, the privilege is acknowledged there. The idea of the stay-at-home mom life, where a mom is home with the kiddos and is not working a job in addition to being a mom, was never appealing to me. And yes, I consider being a mom absolutely a full-time job. At the time when we were truly considering starting a family, I had a great job I loved and wanted to keep building up. So immediately, I already felt like that wasn’t going to be the right fit for me.
Once I got pregnant and planned maternity leave, I knew it would be best for both my son and me for me to return to work. Don’t get me wrong, I bawled my eyes out when I took him to daycare for the first time. As time went on though, the affirmation of this decision was clear.
I was a better mom to my son when I was able to do something else apart from him.
To put it differently, I was able to mentally go all in on my job, and then when I got home with him I was able to mentally go all in on being his mom. We were all better for it. It’s so important to know yourself as a mom, how you interact with others, and how your energy is impacted by certain things rather than just doing what everyone else says you’re supposed to do when you have a child.
Our Reality and Why It’s Working For Us
Now, with my son in daycare, this allows me to get everything I need to get done regarding work, cleaning, errands, etc during the day without feeling stressed by being stuck at an office waiting for the clock to hit 5pm. Everything always felt like a rush from 5pm-8pm every day and I hated it.
Now that I’m working from home fully, it’s allowed me to restructure my days so I can accomplish everything that I know will help me feel calm and balanced. To be fully present when my husband comes home with my son and he runs to be shouting, “mom!” To know that I have the power to shut off work when I need to and that it’ll be okay. It’s a simple difference, and it’s been a game changer. I’m so grateful for it everyday.
Encouragement to Other Moms
To the moms who want to be more than ‘just mom’…I see you. I love being my son’s mom, but I also love being Jenna. I’m learning that pursuing my career doesn’t make me less of a mother, it makes me more present, more patient, and more me. I know now and am constantly affirmed that my love for him and how I show up for him isn’t diminished because I’m not a full-time stay-at-home mom. For me, it’s only gotten stronger. Motherhood is not one-size-fits-all, and defining what it means for your family is what makes it sustainable.
Unleash the Pressure
Choosing what’s right for you and your family and your goals in life ultimately makes you a good parent. You’re allowed to nurture your babies and your dreams at the same time. As you’re building your life, truly thinking about what kind of setup allows you to thrive in all those areas – even if it’s not the standard choice – and make one step toward that reality every day. I’m right there with you.
Let’s Connect
Is anyone else in the same boat as me? Is anyone in another boat entirely that works for you? Drop it in the comments below. I would love to hear from you! Don’t forget to subscribe here for future reads on motherhood, entrepreneurship, and more.